More Than A Carer: Why the Person Behind the Caring Role Matters
More Than a Carer Audio Program
Often, family carers find that caring can gradually become the organising principle around which everything else revolves.
There are appointments to remember, medication to manage, meals to prepare, phone calls to make, paperwork to deal with, routines to maintain and decisions that sometimes have to be made quickly.
And then there are the things that nobody sees.
The worry. The interrupted sleep. The frustration you may feel and immediately feel guilty about. The loneliness that can exist even when another person is physically beside you.
The loss of spontaneity. The friendships that become harder to maintain. The interests that quietly disappear from your life.
And perhaps most importantly, the gradual feeling that you are becoming known primarily as the person who cares for somebody else.
This is why the words More Than A Carer matter.
Because caring is something you do, It is not everything you are.
The person behind the caring role
Family carers are often described in terms of what they provide for another person. They are people who organise, support, accompany, encourage, administer, advocate, monitor and respond. These things matter enormously.
But the carer matters too.
The UK's National Institute For Health And Care Excellence (NICE) guidance on supporting adult carers specifically recognises that carers have their own health, wellbeing, emotional and social needs. It recommends that carers should have opportunities to discuss what matters to them, including their own wellbeing, and recognises the importance of psychological and emotional support.
This is an important shift in perspective.
Supporting a carer is not simply about making them better at caring. It is about recognising that there is a person behind the caring role who also deserves support.
When family carers find caring becomes all-consuming
One of the difficulties of being a family carer is that there may be no obvious boundary between caring and the rest of life.
For someone working in a caring profession, there may eventually be a shift at the end of a working day. For a family carer, there may be no such shift.
You may be caring in the morning, caring in the evening and still thinking about caring when you eventually get into bed.
Even when the person you care for is asleep, your mind may remain alert.
- Is everything alright?
- Did I remember everything?
- What happens tomorrow?
- What if something changes?
- Should I have done more?
- Could I have done something differently?
Over time, this can make it surprisingly difficult to remember what it feels like simply to be yourself.
Compassion fatigue is not a failure to care
The first recording in the More Than A Carer programme is called Understanding Compassion Fatigue.
The subject is important because emotional exhaustion can sometimes create an uncomfortable sense of guilt.
A carer may think:
"If I really loved them, I wouldn't feel like this."
But exhaustion does not mean that love has disappeared. Sometimes it means that someone has been giving for a very long time.
There is an enormous difference between not caring and being tired from caring.
Recognising that difference can be an important first step towards treating yourself with some of the understanding that you routinely give to somebody else.
Your wellbeing matters too
The second recording, Personal Wellbeing Matters, explores an idea that can be surprisingly difficult for family carers to accept:
Your wellbeing matters even when somebody else needs you.
- Many carers become exceptionally good at putting themselves last.
- There is always another task.
- Another appointment.
- Another problem.
- Another reason why now isn't the right time to think about yourself.
But looking after your own emotional wellbeing does not mean that you are abandoning the person you care for.
It means recognising that you are part of the caring situation too.
NICE guidance similarly emphasises that support for carers should take account of their own physical health, mental health and emotional wellbeing.
Remembering who you were - and who you still are
The third recording is Keeping Hold of Who You Are.
This is perhaps one of the quieter challenges of long-term caring. You may still remember the person you were before caring became such a large part of your life.
- You may remember the things you enjoyed.
- The people you saw.
- The places you went.
- The plans you made.
- The ambitions you had.
Some of those things may no longer be possible in the same way, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person you were has disappeared.
Sometimes they have simply become difficult to hear beneath the demands of the caring role. You are still a person with interests, memories, preferences, relationships, hopes and needs.
The carer is one part of who you are. It is not the whole of who you are.
Why accepting support can be so difficult
The fourth recording is Giving Yourself Permission to Receive Support.
This addresses another paradox of caring. Many carers become extraordinarily capable at giving support to other people.
But receiving support themselves can feel uncomfortable.
- There may be guilt.
- There may be a belief that other people have enough to deal with already.
- There may be a feeling that asking for help means you are no longer coping.
- Sometimes there is simply the habit of doing everything yourself.
- But receiving support is not a weakness.
NICE recommends that carers should have access to information, community support, breaks and psychological and emotional support appropriate to their circumstances.
Asking for support can therefore be understood not as giving up, but as recognising that carers have needs too.
Finding moments of peace within the journey
The final recording is Finding Moments of Peace Within the Journey.
It is not presented as a way of changing the circumstances of caring.
- Sometimes circumstances cannot be changed.
- The person you love may still be ill.
- The responsibilities may still be there tomorrow morning.
- The appointments will still need to be attended.
- The decisions will still have to be made.
- But there may still be value in creating a few moments in which you are allowed to stop.
- To breathe.
- To listen.
- To step away mentally from the immediate demands of caring.
Not because everything has suddenly become alright, but because you are allowed to have moments that belong to you.
Go to the More Than A Carer Product Page
More Than A Carer is not about telling you what to do
This is an important part of the philosophy behind the programme. More Than A Carer isn't a manual for becoming a better carer:
- It isn't medical advice.
- It isn't suggesting that relaxation will make difficult circumstances disappear.
- And it isn't telling carers that they simply need to "stay positive".
- Caring can contain contradictory experiences at the same time.
- You can love somebody deeply and still feel exhausted.
- You can feel grateful and frustrated.
- You can feel connected and lonely.
- You can be strong and still need help.
- You can want the best for somebody and still sometimes wish that life were easier.
These experiences do not cancel each other out. They are part of being human.
A therapeutic space for the person behind the role
More Than A Carer is a five-part therapeutic audio programme created specifically around the emotional wellbeing of family carers.
The five recordings are:
- Understanding Compassion Fatigue
- Personal Wellbeing Matters
- Keeping Hold of Who You Are
- Giving Yourself Permission to Receive Support
- Finding Moments of Peace Within the Journey
The programme is designed to provide gentle therapeutic guidance, reflection and relaxation - creating a little space in which the carer can step away from the demands of caring and reconnect with themselves.
- There is no requirement to listen perfectly.
- There is no examination at the end.
- There is no expectation that you must feel better immediately.
You can listen to the recordings in the order that suits you and return to individual recordings when they feel relevant. The important thing is that the time is yours.
Why supporting carers matters
A caring role can sometimes become invisible precisely because the carer becomes so capable.
- They know the routines.
- They know the medications.
- They know the appointments.
- They know what needs to happen next.
And because they keep going, other people may assume that they are managing.
NICE specifically recommends identifying carers and making sure they know about their rights to information, assessment and support. It also emphasises that carers should be recognised as valued partners in care.
But being capable does not mean that you don't need support.
Sometimes the people who appear to be coping best are the people who have become exceptionally good at carrying a great deal.
You are allowed to matter
Perhaps the simplest message within More Than A Carer is also the most important.
You matter too.
- Not because you are useful to somebody else.
- Not because looking after yourself makes you a better carer.
- Not because you have earned a little rest.
Simply because you are a person.
- A person whose feelings matter.
- A person whose wellbeing matters.
- A person who deserves understanding.
- A person who may need somewhere to breathe for a while.
- Caring is something you do.
- It can be a profound expression of love.
- But it is not everything you are.
You are more than a carer.
What is More Than A Carer?
More Than A Carer is a five-part therapeutic audio programme created to support the emotional wellbeing of family carers. It focuses on compassion fatigue, personal wellbeing, identity, receiving support and finding moments of peace.
Who is More Than A Carer for?
It is designed for family members and unpaid carers supporting someone they love because of illness, disability, frailty or another significant caring need.
Is More Than A Carer medical treatment?
No. It is a therapeutic audio wellbeing resource rather than medical advice or a replacement for healthcare, social care or professional support.
What subjects does the program cover?
The five recordings cover Understanding Compassion Fatigue, Personal Wellbeing Matters, Keeping Hold of Who You Are, Giving Yourself Permission to Receive Support and Finding Moments of Peace Within the Journey.
Can family carers listen to the recordings in their own time?
Yes. The current product page explains that there is no single correct way to use the programme and that listeners can return to individual recordings whenever they feel relevant.
Why is carer wellbeing important?
Carers have their own physical, emotional and social needs. NICE guidance recommends appropriate psychological and emotional support for carers and emphasises the importance of addressing their own wellbeing.
Does supporting yourself mean you are neglecting the person you care for?
No. Looking after your own wellbeing and accepting appropriate support are legitimate parts of sustaining a caring role. NICE specifically recommends that carers are given opportunities to discuss their own health and wellbeing and the support they may need.
What Format is More Than A Carer Available On? More Than A Carer Audio Program is available as an MP3 Download, and also available on Immediate Streamed Version.
How long are the recordings? All times are approximate and are as follows:
- Introduction Session 6:34
- Session 1 19:32,
- Session 2: 23:07,
- Session 3 23:07,
- Session 4 25:51
- Bonus session 5 24:37
Go to the More Than A Carer Product Page
If you are a family carer, you may have become very good at asking yourself what somebody else needs.
Just for a moment, consider a different question:
What do you need?
You don't have to have an answer. Sometimes simply allowing yourself to ask the question is a beginning.
A Gentle Next Step
If you would like to create a little time and space for yourself, More Than A Carer is available as an MP3 Download Program and, an Immediate Streamed Version
It is not intended to change your circumstances or tell you how to care. It is simply an invitation to pause, listen and remember the person behind the caring role.
You are more than a carer
You Matter Too
About the author:
Michael Mahoney is a multiple award-winning UK clinical hypnotherapist, winning several innovation and research awards for his 'innovative health solutions'. His career has spanned 4 decades and he is still going strong!
With almost 25 years at his medical centre-based practice, he has provided services to primary and secondary health care patients, as well as providing consultancy, counselling , mindfulness services. He has written numerous articles.
In 2011, he was invited to and attended the Queens Garden Party at Buckingham Palace in recognition of his work in developing innovative health-based digital solutions.
Healthy Audio Hypnosis: Helping people rediscover calm, confidence and control through structured guided hypnosis programs since 1998.
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