When Caring Takes Over: Remembering Who You Are Beyond the Caring Role
Remember Who You Are
Caring can gradually change the shape of your life, at first, you may simply be helping a little more, then there are more appointments, more responsibilities, more things to remember, more decisions, more time spent thinking about someone else's needs.
And one day you may realise that the person you were before caring has become harder to find. Perhaps you don't see friends as often. Perhaps hobbies have disappeared.
Perhaps you rarely do the things that once made you feel like yourself, perhaps your conversations have become almost entirely about caring.
This can happen very gradually.
The caring role can become your identity
When someone depends on you, being a carer can become a very strong part of your identity.
And there's nothing wrong with that, caring can be meaningful, it can be an expression of love, and it can bring moments of closeness and purpose.
But being a carer is a role you have.
It doesn't have to become the whole definition of who you are.
Carers UK recognises that people can lose a sense of identity when they become immersed in a caring role, and suggests that reconnecting with interests can help carers know themselves again.
What have you stopped doing?
This can be a surprisingly powerful question.
What did you enjoy before caring became such a large part of your life?
- Was it music?
- Reading?
- Gardening?
- Walking?
- Meeting friends?
- Photography?
- Sport?
- Cooking?
- Going out?
- Perhaps there was something very simple that gave you pleasure.
You don't necessarily have to return to it in exactly the same way.
But remembering it can be important.
It reminds you that there is a person here beyond the responsibilities.
You don't have to go back to who you were
Life may have changed, your circumstances may have changed, and you may have changed too.
So this isn't necessarily about trying to become the person you were before. It's about allowing yourself to discover what matters to you now.
- Perhaps your interests are different.
- Perhaps your priorities have changed.
- Perhaps you simply need something that belongs to you.
- There is no timetable.
Small pieces of yourself still count
You don't need an entire day to yourself.
- You might listen to music for twenty minutes.
- Read a few pages.
- Message an old friend.
- Sit in the garden.
- Watch something you enjoy.
- Take an interest in something that has nothing to do with caring.
These may seem like small things, but small things can help rebuild a sense of identity.
You are more than what you do for someone else
This can be easy to forget.
- You are not only the person who organises the appointments.
- You are not only the person who remembers the medication.
- You are not only the person who makes the meals.
- You are not only the person who copes when something goes wrong.
You are also the person who has preferences.
- Memories.
- Humour.
- Dreams.
- Curiosities.
- Friendships.
- Interests.
- A history.
- And a future.
Making space for yourself
The third recording in the More Than A Carer Programme is Keeping Hold of Who You Are.
It explores the importance of maintaining a sense of identity beyond the caring role, not by asking you to abandon caring, or by suggesting that caring isn't important.
But by gently reminding you that the carer is only one part of who you are.
Perhaps there is a part of you that has been waiting quietly for some attention, and maybe now is a good time to notice it?
You are more than a carer.
Click here to discover More Than A Carer
Further Reading
More Than A Carer Session 1 Compassion Fatigue
More Than A Carer Session 2 Why Wellbeing Matters
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